ARCHIVE:
04182011

From the Sheeplog Experts...

Old Goat

Old Goat

TOPIC: "Out with the Old"

I might be an old goat but I don’t have to act like it.

In fact, I hear that youngsters really like senior citizens as long as they don’t display any signs of aging.

I’m up for that, and I wouldn’t mind gaining a little more credibility—I mean "cred"—among the current generation in the process.

So out with the old: I’m going on a purge diet to rid myself of unseemly toxins and biological liabilities that might drag me down before my time. Plus, I’ll attempt an exercise regimen that belies my years.

If you care to join me, the 7-day schedule is below. (At this point fill in a typical disclaimer from one of those prescription medicine TV commercials with side effects “including” shortness of breath, throbbing head, enlarged veins, ringing in ears, diarrhea, ringing in nose, blurred vision, racing pulse, panic, loss of breath, increased libido only concerning chocolate, irrationality, itching, scratching when you don’t even itch, histrionics, lost car keys, drowsiness, reciting the pledge of allegiance at inappropriate times, swollen feet, etc.)

Day 1—

Diet: Drink a glass of cod liver oil (or any kind of oil you can find…this is a goat-oriented diet after all). Nothing but water the rest of the day. You can have a coke and jelly beans if you want, but that’s why I put the disclaimer.
Exercise: Run a mile, swim a mile, run another mile and crawl back, all the while cursing yourself for getting three miles from home without food or wheels. Sleep well, unless you drank the coke.

Day 2—

Diet: Clear soup for breakfast. We now have reduced our in-body toxins by half. Lunch is a can of apple juice without the apple juice (the goat way). Nothing else to eat or drink. Except Vienna sausages before bed if you just have to.
Exercise: Dance to Aretha Franklin’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T three times throughout the day. (Use earbuds so younger passersby won’t know what you’re listening to. It’s really best if they don’t have to see you dancing, either.)

Day 3—

Today, our digestive system is screaming and our circulatory system is just about comatose. Wake up the latter by first,
Exercise: 50 jumping jacks in reps of 10 with six cartwheels and four summersaults between each rep. You’ll be so dizzy you won’t want to eat the rest of the day. But on the off chance you do, you may have up to a dozen cupcakes, but no more.

Day 4—

Okay, we’re now totally purged. We have two options: We can just sit and bask in our purgedness. Or, for breakfast a half cup of yogurt, the container for fiber and a quart of water and leek soup for lunch. For supper, go to the natural supplements store, stick your head in a vat of assorted vitamins and consume as many as possible in 15 minutes (set a timer).
Exercise: Pull your head out of the vat and run out of the store before anyone recognizes you. Go to bed early. If you have trouble sleeping try a half gallon of vanilla ice cream with M&Ms.

Day 5—

Diet: Begin normal eating.
Exercise: Moderate walk at midday. Collect things like cardboard and plastic sheeting for tonight’s dessert.

Day 6—

Diet and Exercise: Wow, after yesterday? Drink castor oil and wait.

Day 7—

Listen to your body. It’s probably saying “Stop the madness!” And we should.

Comment

Goat,
I think this is the only purging diet I could actually finish…except day one's exercise
—Jeff H
FW, TX

 

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