From the Sheeplog Experts...

Old Goat

Old Goat

TOPIC: "Things Metabolic"

Here’s some news for you youthful fitness buffs. All that good exercise your getting? Yep, it is building up muscle mass and reducing fat mass. It is increasing your life expectancy. But be sure you enjoy it now, as your tight little body effortlessly churns away all those calories, making your nightly ingestion of a six-pack of ice cream sandwiches worry free.

Because change is a-comin’.

You’re young! Two or three miles of brisk running is all it takes to counter-balance the Eskimo pies, bag-o-cookies, pan-o-brownies or two-cans-o-Pringles. No problem.

Yes problem.

Sooner than you think, your metabolism will slow down all by itself! But your brain will still want the ice cream sandwiches. For years and years. Because remember? You increased your life-expectancy.

The worst part is during all those miles you were running in your 20s and 30s you were dreaming of the day you could give it up and rest. You thought when you got older and started resting, your body—on its own—would magically desire only small amounts of fruits and grains.

No. I’m here to tell you it desires stuff like deep-fried balls of dough. AND it also starts burning fewer calories and making more fat. Counter-balancing now, at your advanced age, means you will have to eat and exercise constantly. CONSTANTLY. Or join the hefty club.

There are some other options, of course: Exercise but don’t eat = heart attack (skinny); Eat but don’t exercise = heart attack (fat); All things in moderation = bored beyond words.

Why can’t scientists figure out how to make slowed metabolism trigger the fruits and grain lobe of your brain?

I know you’re thinking what about the Developing World? Sure, their food-to-exercise ratio is way heavy on exercise, and their fruit and grain cerebral lobe is going lickety split.

Unfortunately, branding forces often beat sustainable agricultural practices to the "development" table. And as soon as the first Twinkies start trickling in, BLAM—the fruit and grain lobe turns instantly into a Pringles lobe.

I’m afraid we’re staring at impending doom.

Please help. There’s bound to be a 10K race coming to a town near you. When the runners in the 50-, 60- and 70-and-under age groups run past you, throw them all the ice cream sandwiches you’ve got.