ARCHIVE:
072010

From the Sheeplog Experts...

a cow

Mavis Cabeza de Vaca

TOPIC: "Fun with Hedges"

It's not easy for cows to achieve self-actualization. Since the beginning of time, our worth has turned on a constant pattern of grazing, vacant staring, ruminating and producing milk. We never strived for home ownership, health insurance, poliical capital or selection in the NFL draft.

That was before we discovered hedge funs.

Until recently, many of us were asking: Is economic climate change real? We didn't even know what we were talking about. It just sounded smart and probing, and if anyone needed to sound smart and probing it was those of us stuck in the grazing-staring-ruminating-milkmaking grind.

But here's how we learned economic climate change is real: It was during a consciousness-raising ritual in which each cow partook of The Unwashed Fruit. This ritual breaks down normal inhibitions, and sure enough one of our number had a vision.

"Hedges!" she shouted. "Surround all our grasses with glorious hedges!" Everyone just glazed over and began chanting in unison: "Hedges, hedges, hedges..."

Before we knew it cows were bringing in all sorts of hedges. We put hedges around our hay, hedges around our clover, our wheat and our beloved alfalfa! We were hedging madly for days, then weeks, then months.

The field became a huge maze of hedges! And fun?! Oh-my-gosh, it was so fun that we called each planting a "hedge fun."

We loved our hedge funs. We rolled around in them, jumped over them, played red rover through them. Of course, we didn't want to graze anymore. And whenever we found someone grazing, we'd put hedges all around them.

Soon the hedge funs got so big they choked out all our grasses. We couldn't see each other. We could barely move. We thought maybe it was time to start eating our way out.

Then the reality of economic climate change hit: The hedge funs had zero taste! And the lack of taste was exceeded only by their lack of substance. It was like eating cardboard. cows in hedge

We're in serious trouble and need help. We can't eat this stuff. But one of our number has had a new vision: we do want all our grasses back--really, we WILL graze--but we're self-actualized now, and we want to eat and keep our hedge funs, too.

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