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022014

Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

Jane Ann

February 2014

I know you’re anxious after no forecast in January, so let’s get started:

VIRGO & LIBRA — Take care of your health. It’s not too late to get a flu shot (but it might be too late for it to keep you from getting the flu), a shingles shot, hepatitis B and C, and probably typhoid if you live in a warm climate and have a bird bath. And speaking of birds, don’t touch them. Really, birds are disease bags with feathers and they don’t like to be touched anyway, especially in February. This is about your health and the stars are clear: February is the month with the most instances of death by pecking.

SCORPIO, SAGITTARIUS & CAPRICORN — Turn your attention to comfort for the next few weeks. You’ve been in a scratchy, prickly way for too long and it’s time for a change. The stars suggest you pad your environment with plushness, pillows, satin throws, chocolate truffles and a large supply of skin lotion. It’ll change your mood. By March you’ll be in such a state of softness that it’ll also change your body—into a formless glob. And you only have to spend a few hours in the mall to realize that becoming a formless glob is the life ambition of many people.

PISCES — Now is the time to make your dreams a reality—except for that one where a tsunami of guppies comes pouring out of your refrigerator and covers your kitchen floor and then the dog finds them wiggling and flopping all over the place and… ANYWAY, maybe a luxury cruise in the Mediterranean would be a better dream to make reality. Still watch out for guppies.

LEO (my sign) — Wow, wow, wow! Leo’s, put on your oxygen masks because your trajectory is way upward. Sure, we’re always moving up but the stars say we’ll go even higher this month. Everywhere you go doors will open to you. But go through doors slowly. It startles people when a door flies open and somebody in an oxygen mask rushes through. And look out for crazies who want to jerk your mask off—I mean a lot of people are seriously resenting upward mobility right now.

THE BIG DIPPER — Form partnerships. Look around for talented, thoughtful people you can work with to make a contribution to your community for once! Then do it again—because you’ll find it gets in your blood.

AQUARIUS — Ooops, the dawning of your age has gone on a brief hiatus. Don’t panic. It’s not permanent. So spend this month exploring the dark. Get one of those nerdy head lamps—now’s the time because once your age starts dawning again farcical accessorizing will be off limits.

ARIES, TAURUS, GEMINI — Self-denial is your watch word this month. Try giving up something really important, like pringles or bowling. The idea is to concentrate on improving your mind and paying more attention to the needs of other people. Only problem will come if you can’t summon up the willpower—or if the needs of other people are pringles and bowling.

CANCER — Play music and dance. That’ll lift the spirits of all of us during a cold month. The stars say thanks.

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