ARCHIVE:
07132011

From the Sheeplog Experts...

Pilgrim

Pilgrim

TOPIC: "Cereal Killers"

We lemmings are chomping at the bit, so to speak, over a perfect storm that’s being brewed by some food companies and their ad media compadres.

You know how lemmings love mindlessly stampeding to our own demise? Here’s a new opportunity.

Tony the Tiger and friends are fighting back against government SUGGESTIONS—not even regulations, just voluntary guidelines, mind you—to not market bad food to kids. The food guys call themselves, I kid you not, the "Sensible Food Policy Coalition." They say the marketing suggestions will cost them thousands of jobs.

Right, thousands of jobs will be kept if they can keep doing the same old THEEEERRRRR GREAAAAT! ads. I’m not sure why there wouldn’t be more jobs created to develop entirely new ad campaigns for healthy food and eating habits, but what do I know? I’m just a lemming.

lemmings in bowl

The status quo is g-rrreeaaaat with us lemmings, though. We want to keep eating more and more sugar and get fatter and fatter with enormouser blood sugar problems and diabetes rates going through the roof. We foresee ourselves glassy-eyed and rushing headlong into calorie-filled, vitamin-empty cereal bowls and starchy fake-cheese macaroni dishes. We want our desire for appallingly valueless food to become insatiable.

AND WE DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO WISE HEADS TELL US WE COULD BE SVELTER AND HEALTHIER.

We want to bloat our whole population. We want to go huffing, sweating and noshing our way through a short, eating-disordered life.

Thank you, Tony. Thank you General Mills, Pepsico, Viacom, Time-Warner for keeping us oblivious to any other way but sweet, sweet (did I mention sweet?) gluttony.

AAaaand our own demise.

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