Jane Ann's Astrological Forecast

This is your monthly sheepish horoscope. (It includes the extra Big Dipper sign you won't find on the traditional Zodiac.) Got a problem? Use the comment box.

March has its challenges…

Jane Ann

PISCES — Expect a big change in your life and prepare for it. This could be a change in your job, an email saying you’ve been selected to be a contestant on The Price is Right (this is a change because how many times have you asked and been turned down?!), or it could involve, well, let’s say lingerie. I don’t know—I don’t know you. But the stars DO, which makes it all the more frustrating that all they ever do is give you hints when they are fully aware of what’s going to happen to you this month! Why don’t they just say: You know, you are going to have to change your lingerie in March.

Gosh. Sorry. I’m just saying. But the stars are what they are, so…

ARIES & TAURUS — Face it—you need help! Issues are piling up that you can’t handle on your own. Go to counseling. The stars know that this is a big step and you don’t want people to know you are seeing a shrink. But the biggest obstacle is making yourself get in the car and drive to the head doc’s office. Well, be not concerned: I have a psychologist friend with a MOBILE UNIT he just christened "The Nutmobile." Yep, he actually smashed a bottle of champagne across the front of a Winnebago in his driveway, but what would you expect from the (certified) proprietor of a service called The Nutmobile? Anyway, I have his phone number if you want it.

GEMINI & CANCER — If you go to Nigeria, don’t lose your visa, passport and airline ticket and email your friends for help. Nobody will believe it.

LEO (my sign) — Lucky you, as usual. You can count on just sailing through March unsullied by misfortune or even slight discomfort—that is, if you can let go of that unfortunate whoopee cushion incident perpetrated on you last month by your jealous rivals. If you can’t get past it, I can give you the number for The Nutmobile guy.

VIRGO — Business opportunities direct you to the future. Hopefully, you aren’t in the relic business.

LIBRA, SCORPIO & SAGITTARIUS — The stars say this month you will face the biggest challenge ever in love. That tells me you are going to be asked to love an opossum.

CAPRICORN & AQUARIUS — I’m sorry you Capricorns had to be lumped in with the Aquarians this month because at this point their Age is well-past dawning. But all is well. A good thing about having a round earth is that you can look forward to a new dawn. So go quietly about your business and each day light a candle to St. Christopher Columbus.

BIG DIPPER — You’re probably wondering whether you will be able to last on the zodiac. It is always hard being the new sign. None of the other signs pay attention to you and the stars even forgot to put you on the schedule this month. But take advantage of your freedom. Judging by the forecasts above, it appears that simply being in place a long time doesn’t guarantee good fortune. Make your own future. It’s what everybody wants anyway.

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