Chauncey's Commentary

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Chauncey

TOPIC:
"The High Cost of Lance"

Lance Armstrong ought to be on the new stamp. After all, he’s the reason postage rates are going up again.

Lance wore the USPS jersey while cheating his way to seven Tour de France championships. He tarnished the postal service’s good name and now that its budget is sucking wind it wants its $40 million back.

Yep, USPS invested $40 million dollars (count ‘em…you can finish before your letter gets to California) in Lance and his bicycling team. The postal people thought sponsoring speedy all-American athletes would be good publicity. The postal service brand would look so fast!

First of all, seriously? Bicycles? Why not race cars or yachts? Sure the pedal boys LOOK fast, relatively speaking—like if you compare them to your teenager walking to school. But, uh, the Tour de France takes 3 weeks and they’re going as fast as they can.

Second of all, what about the U.S. in USPS? Lance’s big race was a French thing. Most of the people who watch the Tour de France are La Poste customers, for heaven sake.

For USPS customers, the whole thing was very in-your-face. To stave off possible bankruptcy, the post office offered gobs of money to Lance Armstrong’s pursuit of a French bicycling trophy, while offering the rest of us a teeny-tiny flat-rate box to anywhere in the country for $13.95!

The dope was even more offensive. I mean how many times have you stood at the post office counter and had to promise that your package contained no perishables, liquids or hazardous substances? Meanwhile, Lance is sporting the USPS logo while containing banned substances in his body!

Now, while the post office sues Lance, we have to pay three more cents for a stamp. Lance should be on it—to remind us how a small man in spandex brought down the American postal system.

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