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08252014

Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

I like to think deeply but I need to be able to share my deep thoughts. I’d prefer to share them with my best friend, but she never seems to want to take the time. Like I’ll begin telling my thoughts on the fleeting nature of our earthly existence and she’ll briefly agree, remark on living every day to the fullest and then excuse herself because she has to get her dog to the groomer’s. I’m afraid my friend might be shallow. Should I look for another sounding board?
—Deeply Concerned

Dear Deeply —
You are confusing deep and shallow with slow and fast. Also you’re probably jealous that your best friend has a dog AND groomer—am I right?

In fact, you are probably envious that she can plumb an entire deep thought in the time it takes you just to get past "Hmmm."

Your friend isn’t shallow—just quick.

By the way, you might consider a dog groomer to be frivolous, but if one can get her deep thinking done quickly, she has a lot more time for "frivolous" pursuits.

Look, before my head fell off, my thoughts ran through my entire neurological system—like sometimes they’d pool around my ankles—before I was finished with them. But now, with my body no longer available to my head, I don’t have that luxury—or burden.

It certainly has saved me from weeks and months of anxiety about such things as how gluten got so out of hand, whether beige is trending again and who will be the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.

You’d do well to get off your "need" for your friend to go to the ends of the earth and back again with you and your thoughts and appreciate that she is not only responding quite deeply but is giving you that much more time to figuratively chew your own cud (that she, incidentally, really doesn’t have time for).

I suspect you already realize you’re probably dwelling a little too long on things. Chewing the cud is only meant for individuals with 4 stomachs, you know.

Deep thoughts are good, but I recommend you get a timer.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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