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Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

My girlfriend of four months just told me that she’s seeing someone else and doesn’t care that much for me. Apparently, she is ignoring the reality that she is my girlfriend and we are in love. Of course, I’m still going to ask her to marry me in a couple of years. But in the meantime, how do I stick to reality myself when she won’t answer my phone calls?
—Staying Real in Washington

Dear Real—
Wow, you ARE in Washington, aren’t you? The place where certain political campaigners insisted for days on using their own numbers even though they didn’t match the results of the actual election.

But since you ask, here’s what I advise for maintaining your own reality when events and facts no longer support it.

Find some sand—go to a beach, construction site or playground—and bury your head in it. May I also recommend that you take your head off to do this, so it can stay in the sand while the rest of you attends to your normal daily routine, however unreal it may seem at first.

Don’t argue that you need to keep your head on. Obviously, you aren’t using it. So let it go.

Besides, sand has curative qualities, except if you are in beach sand, in which case your head could totally be taken out to sea with the tide. It’s a risk, but something about your letter tells me you are less averse to that than the risk of listening to your girlfriend’s actual words.

If you bury your head in non-beach sand, there’s a good possibility of being able to place it back on your shoulders after adequate time for healing. Entering through the ears and mouth (forgive the graphic image), sand will completely fill your head and you can use it again without fear of ever experiencing discomfort caused by a rational mental process.

I’m pretty sure this was the method used by those campaigners, many of whom, incredibly, still have a job. Others, though, I’m afraid their heads are buried at sea.

Enjoy your bliss.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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