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Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

Please settle an argument for my wife and me. We have a small amount of money we want to save for the future. My wife wants to invest it. But the economy is unstable and banks aren’t trustworthy. I say we’d be better off stuffing it in a mattress. What do you think?
—Concerned Purse Holder

Dear Concerned PH—
I think just buying the mattress is a small investment in itself! Good lord. And you can’t simply get a mattress, you know. You have to buy a temperpedic or a number bed or a pillow top.

They’re all manufactured with high quality scientifically formulated materials, too, so you don’t want to take the chance of devaluing your mattress by stuffing money into it.

I agree with you about the economy and banks, but I’d recommend a middle course: Purchase a small closet safe, and then go with a memory foam bed. Put your money in the safe and before you go to sleep tell the combination to your memory foam before you shred it. The combination, that is. Omigosh, don’t shred the memory foam!

When you’re ready for it in a few years, your money will have been kept safe (although worth only a shadow of its former self). But the memory foam will have increased in value enough to provide you with a small fortune. Be sure it gives you the combination before you sell the bed.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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