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06102013

Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

My neighbor was complaining about the rabbits that chewed her hosta plants to the ground. I noticed a statue in her garden that looked a great deal like you, only the head was attached. That made me wonder why anyone would put a likeness of a saint who was known to love animals in their garden. Wouldn't a rabbit consider a statue of you (or someone like you who still has a head) an open invitation to come in and feast on everything in sight knowing that you would protect him or her?
—Puzzled gardener

Dear Puzzled—
You have a great sense of the inner workings of the rabbit mind. Rabbits understand a statue of St. Francis to be a sign of welcome to wildlife, including hosta consumers. Your neighborhood rabbits were only doing what comes naturally in what they perceived to be a non-hostile environment.

As for the workings of your neighbor’s mind, read on:

Dear Headless Frank:
Rabbits are chewing my hostas to the ground! And I put a St. Francis statue in the garden to scare them away! Do you scare or welcome rabbits? Do I need to behead my St. Francis in order to keep the rabbits out? Or what?! I’m afraid my neighbors think I’m

—A Clueless Gardener

Dear Clueless Gardener—
Let me give you some clues:

  1. St. Francis offers a warm welcome to hosta eaters, unless…
  2. He has lost his head, in which case he scares the livin’ bejeezus out of all living creatures, try as he might to regain his former aura or peace and calm.
  3. Before you do anything rash, try to imagine the possibility of hare-raising (hahahahah!) rabbit screams in the night.
  4. Once you’re past number 3, you can knock off the head of your St. Francis statue and never see another living creature in your garden again. But, believe me, you’ll have to answer a LOT of questions about your headless Frank (for which there is a support group but NOT A SINGLE 12-STEP PROGRAM! But this isn’t about me.)
  5. If you want to keep your St. Francis intact, you can scare the rabbits away by simply dressing him up in a costume. Although there are no clothiers that cater to patio statues (I swear, NOT ONE!), pet stores carry some really interesting outfits for chihuahuas and small terriers…but, again, consider the hair-raising screams in the night.
  6. So what’s so sacred about hostas?

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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