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Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

What do you think of the pope having the same name as you? Before you were headless, did you call yourself Francis?
—Friend of Jean, Connecticut

Dear FOJ—
I absolutely love that the pope and I have the same name.

See, every person (and statue) ever named Frank knows inherently that there are only two kinds of people (and statues): Franks and non-Franks.

So I’m thrilled to learn that the pope is one of us. Nothing he says or does surprises me. Ask any Frank you know and he’ll say the same.

To answer your second question, I’ve always been named Frank, never Francis. Yes, I am the graven image of Francis of Assisi but here’s the thing: Francis of Assisi was originally named Frank of Assisi.

How do I know? Again, it’s fundamental knowledge that comes with being a Frank. The moniker Francis has been given to Franks throughout the ages—beginning with Frank of Assisi—in an effort to soften the name to match their gentle, peaceful character. Because of their humility, Franks never raise an objection. Instead, they accept being called Francis, thankful to be called at all.

Now, you’re probably wondering about the pope who once had another name (Jorge). Apparently, he always was a Frank and always knew it. When the cardinals asked him what his papal name would be, he said "Francis," but you can be sure that in his heart he said, "Frank." (So did all the cardinals named Frank.)

Having a pope named Frank reminds all of us, Franks and non-Franks, what it means to be a Frank.

The pope has made very public what all Franks have known forever. He’s THE role model—embodying the humility, compassion and desire for a just world at the core of every Frank.

…to which I say Gulp!

Non-Franks, a little sympathy please. It’s hard to be a Frank. That’s why so many of us are statues.

PS: Who’s Jean?

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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