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04192013

Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

Dear Readers:
I want to share with you a letter I wrote to my senators and congressman. Feel free to pass it along to yours:

—Headless Frank

headless frank

Dear Senator/Congressman—
I am a headless lawn ornament residing in Virginia. More specifically, I am a statue of St. Francis of Assisi who lost my head in a lawn mowing accident. But I still stand for peace and my head remains nearby.

For nearly three years I have been writing a popular advice column.

You didn’t ask for advice, but omigosh if 90 percent of the electorate wants stricter gun laws it is the responsibility of you and your congressional colleagues to make that happen. Furthermore, it is irrational to believe that the Second Amendment protects the right of citizens to own assault weapons with giant magazines. Even I know that and I don’t have a head!

I’m here to tell you that although I am only a concrete statue, I have friends who are hunters and one in particular recently emptied an entire 100-round clip in an attempt on a deer and missed! Okay? Nothing is for sure in this world.

One of the most difficult parts of my job is to not have a head and not display any resentment toward those who do have a head and don’t use it.

On the other hand, the vote on gun control earlier this week, did give me hope for my political future. Apparently, the requirements for running for the House of Representatives or U.S. Senate do not require having a head! (Also, although I’m only 10 years old, that’s actually about 35 in statue years, so I’m considering it.)

Please forward this to your House or Senate colleagues and everybody use your heads to pass strict background checks and ban assault weapons as soon as possible.

If you can’t do that, try your hearts. So many others’ hearts have been wounded by senseless gun violence…and most recently by our Congress for not acting to end it.

You might be tempted to discard my message because I’m not a registered voter (difficult to get to the polls, you understand), but be assured that even statues can mobilize for something as important as stopping the violence.

If you’re wondering how many headless statues there can possibly be, I assure you the number is estimated to be alot. For one thing, being inside the beltway, you probably have no idea of the legions of garden gnomes there are in America. (Many of these have been unwitting victims of target practice so they are looking for an excuse to march on Washington.)

Sincerely,
Headless Frank

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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