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Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

We’re writing to you as friend and advocate of all living creatures.

I’m sure you’ve heard by now of the antics of Cliven Bundy, the Nevada rancher who has refused to remove his cattle from federal lands, even though the Bureau of Land Management asked nicely. The first time they asked was 20 years ago because the cows were destroying the habitat of Our Friend the Sand Tortoise.

Last week, after two decades of Cliven’s cattle roaming on public land, the BLM finally started to remove them. But Cliven’s friends came out with guns in protest, and the government called off the roundup in the interest of public safety.

The protesters claimed a victory over the government. But a lot of people (that would be owners of the public lands) now are saying, "Hey! That’s our grass you’re eating." And Cliven and his buds are saying, "Yeah, but you get half a million hamburgers out of it." And the publics say, "What if we decided we would rather have turtle soup?!" I don’t think they really mean it but Cliven’s stubbornness makes people say stuff they don’t mean.

You see what happens? Everybody just gets shrill (except the sand tortoises who are by this time, shall we say, shell shocked).

My friend Dahlia and I believe we can peacefully help Cliven understand why most Americans aren’t that supportive of his cause. Dahlia and I are probably the only two government cows. I’m thinking one of the presidents won us in a bet or something. Anyway, we are going to walk to Nevada and begin grazing on Cliven’s land.

Then he’ll see how it feels to have someone else’s cows eating your grass.

We’re hoping to get some sand tortoises to join us—if there are any left who can even walk a straight line.

We’ll be making stops along our trek from Texas to Nevada so people can give us money for our effort. We don’t really need it, but it seems like nobody takes a long walk anymore without making it a fundraiser.

We hope you’ll print our letter. We’re very committed to the cause of grazing rights and responsibilities, but we also want to become famous.

We’ve attached our picture.
—Violet the Federal Cow

two cows

Dear Violet—
Don’t forget they have guns out there.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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