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05122014

Headless Frank...

advisor to the lovelorn, weary, confused, and the overly self-involved

headless frank

Dear Headless Frank:

I know there are pressing matters in the world right now. Like war and pestilence. But I’ve got a war and pestilence problem, too. Dandelions. Once again—as it happens every year—I painstakingly manicure my lawn only to find dandelions popping up all over the place. They blow in from the neighbors’ yards. I want to keep the peace, but how can I let the neighbors know their weeds are marring the landscape and threatening my sweet disposition?
—Lawn Boy

Dear Lawn Boy—
You might as well have said, "Use the word ‘internecine’ in a sentence," and I would have given my stock answer: "The dandelion is an internecine presence in the world of lawn care."

Right? It’s inherent in the species.

You must, however, be kind in your approach with the neighbors (who already may be sensitive about their dandelion problem). If you find an opportunity to be in the front yard when your neighbor is in his, the following gentle comment might be effective:

"Maybe we should just call in a napalm strike on your lawn!"

If that doesn’t penetrate, you can try offering a statement on peace, justice and IPD (Internecine Presence of Dandelions).

To that end, I’ve composed a verse that subtly conveys the difficulties bound up with IPD. I hope you and other readers will use it as needed in your community.

Pretty puff balls,
Yellow blooms,
Belie your internecine presence—
Scourge that you are
Upon the grass
Of the middle class
And poor, alike,
Who cry out to the heavens,
“Let us be like the hired hands
Of millionaires,
Able to dig you out
With long spades
And knives
To be tossed in trash bags
And lost forever
From fine, flourishing lawns,
Now green and glorious,
Puff balls gone.

Signing off: Medulla oblongata.

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